What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 00:25
I could never make a relationship work though!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why is blood sugar ranging from 70-180 in a day and checked through a glucometer?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why do our deceased do not protect us from other bad spirits?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was 9 years of age.
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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So, i spoilt her more .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Was to survive, this bastard.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I'm straight, so why do I love watching guys cum?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I have no regrets .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was very sick at this time too.
I said to her
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She loved him until the end.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
All the time i was locked up.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It was going to be , some day.
We all went to grammer schools
I waited trembling.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was in good health!
One cannot live in the past .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
What did i know ?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Who then, do I blame.?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Ive learnt so much.
I think the readers, may guess!
Would this be the day?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I will be 64.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My life is so biszare .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But it wasn’t much.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I write beautiful poetry .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She found it foreign!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
This is soul school!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But, we were locked up after school.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
When she asked me how she looked .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She married twice! .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She wouldn,t have been !
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im still living with it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why did i forgive my father ?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He knew the spot.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was scared of men, in general
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Put me off passion for life!!
I was seconnd youngest,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I don,t even have a pension.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Comes on , in middle age.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were not on the streets..
My family never makes their pension either.
And i lived it daily.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So whats the point in blame.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.